my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
