I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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