one might say we're banned from that church
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
