I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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