Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize