2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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