You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
