I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
