Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
