You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
