Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
