Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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