Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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