I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
