by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize