That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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