i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I enjoy the company of your penis
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
