Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
