genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
