you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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