Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
