I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
