I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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