Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
