A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
In America we eat man semen.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
