the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
