Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
