i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
