I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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