this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
