He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
