Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
