hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
