I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
