Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
