just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
