i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
