so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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