I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
