dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
