the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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