wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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