I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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