Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
