Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worst night to have a conscience
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
