Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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