I can text with my tongue
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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