so let's talk penis.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
