tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
