so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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