Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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