I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
