Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
