Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
40s are totally the cure
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
