I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
