He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
two words: eviction party
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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