I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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