Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
