I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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