I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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