just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
