I want to walk on stilts...naked
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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