"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
