Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize